A few days ago, just out of the blue, Keegers said to me, "Mommy, when you go to Heaven, can you please come back? I don't want you to leave me and Suttie Joe alone."
He was so clear in his question, yet I had no idea of what to say in response.
He's so smart, and of course I try to never lie to him. I try, and that time when I told him that if he didn't start sleeping in his bed I was going to take his birthday... well it was a moment of weakness. But in the past when he's chosen to believe that Grandma was with Kevin in the sky... we kinda let it go. It seemed like a nice enough thought for me, Grandma, just hangin with her good buddy Kevin.
I struggled from the start on how to explain to him that Grandma was dead, and that she couldn't come back, but that's a lot for a little guy. We never told him she was asleep, because she wasn't. We tried to explain that it was her heart that stopped, but don't want him getting alarmed when someone says, "Oh that just breaks my heart..." So we simply told him that Grandma was dead, and that we were going to miss her. Hearing his little voice say, "My grandma's dead" always causes me a little pain. But it's true, whether he says it or not.
So to hear him say that he wanted me to come back from Heaven, well it threw me. It threw me, because of course I don't want to leave them. I feel guilty going to the store alone... let alone leaving them forever.... but it also threw me, because he's not quite 4. It seems like such a young age for him to be processing all of this. It threw me that at not quite 4, he's learning what REAL separation anxiety is like.
So I lied. Or maybe I didn't. I don't know.
I said to him, "Keegers--It doesn't work that way, remember? Once you go to Heaven, you can't come back, even if you really, really want to. That's why Grandma can't come and play with us any more. But you don't have to worry....Mommy's not going to Heaven for a very long time. I'm going to stay with you and Suttie Joe for a very, very long time."
Because at some point, hopefully when I'm very, very old, and I've watched them grow, and when they no longer need me... I'll slip off as peacefully as my Mom did... to go and hang with my good friend Kevin. And I hope at that time, that I've done as good of job of letting them know how much their mom adores them as my mom did for me.
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