Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2010 was normal.  We were together with most of Mom's family.  She took her Toll House pies and tea and frozen fruit salad.

Black Friday was great.  James stayed with the boys while Mom and I hit up Kohl's and Glenbrook and had a yummy lunch for just the two of us at Red Robin.  Mom wore a silly Christmas sweater, and I didn't even tease her.

Saturday after Thanksgiving was low key.  Mom spent most of the day on the love seat with a headache while the boys played on the floor around her.

Sunday after Thanksgiving she hugged us all goodbye and waved until we drove over the hill.

Sunday after Thanksgiving was the last time I saw my mom.  It's been over a year now since my mom hugged me.

The last time I talked to her was on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.

It's been over a year now since I've talked to my mom. 

I've heard her voice... thank God that Dad has kept her cell phone active. 

The Wednesday after Thanksgiving 2010, I woke up and went about my day.  Before I went to bed that night my Mom was gone.

All I can do this week is survive.  I feel like I'm barely doing that.  I'm crying all the time... I'm short tempered, and have not been a very good mom or wife or friend.

I hate this week of anniversaries. 

I hate that it takes my joy. 

I hate my "poor me" attitude right now. 

I hate that this sadness is making me miss out on this last week of maternity leave with Baby Courtlynn. 

I hate that I'm obsessed with how old my children will be when I'm 63....and how many years there are until then.

I hate that I want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. 

For years. 

I'm drowning in this sadness and I hate it. 

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what I need. 

Well I do... but the one thing I want and need is the one thing that isn't possible.

I'll be better in a few days. 

I can't keep crying forever. 

I hope not anyway.

Suttie Joe will be 3 in just a few days...

Part of me can't believe that he will be 3...the other part can't believe that he will ONLY be 3.

He is SUCH a big boy.  He has a mind of his own, and personality and stubbornness to spare.

He talks up a storm, has an imagination to envy, and gives his brother a run for his money!

He's sneaky, snugglie, and sweet.

And for nearly 3 years... he was my baby.

But please don't call him Baby Suttie.  He's Big Boy Suttie Joe.

When Suttie turned 2 he had a verbal explosion.  It's like he had just been observing everything for two years, and then was ready to tell everyone what he thought.  He was starting to want to talk to people on the phone, and Mom really thought that was great.

When we went home for Thanksgiving last year, Mom just couldn't get over how much he was talking.  I remember her sitting on the love seat just watching him.  She was just amazed at home much he had changed since she had seen him last. 

What would she think about my baby now?

He's forgetting her.  He knows who she is in pictures, but he's forgotten what it was like to get to her house and have her be so excited to see him.  He's forgotten how she would hide in thier playhouse until he found her or how she loved to rock him.

I can't help crying when I think about it.  I cry because they were all cheated.  I cry everytime they celebrate a new milestone, and I cry for them, I cry for Mom, and mostly I cry for me. 

I plan to live for another 50 or 60 years.  I plan to live to see my babies pass the age my mom herself lived to see. 

And so I cry.  And if I keep crying, well that's a lot of tears. 

But thankfully, that's also a lot of birthdays and growing, and smiles, and snuggles and stories.  But I'm always going to wish my Mom was here to share it with us, because no one enjoyed those things more than her.

I laid in bed last night looking at Baby Courtlynn, partially still in awe that she is here.  The other part though was just trying to imagine what she was going to look like when she got older, and wonder what her personality would be like.  Will she be blond like Keegers?  Will she have Daddy's blue eyes... or will she be my Brown Eyed Girl?  Will her coloring be like Suttie Joe's?  Will she be as sneaky and stuborn as her brothers?

I wonder what she will be like as a toddler, a little girl, a teen.  I wonder what her interests will be, what will she be good at, what will she love?  What will she be?  Who will she love?

It's not just Courtlynn... I wonder this about all my babies. 

Keegan looks exactly the same today at age 4 as he did at 4 weeks.  Suttie and Baby Coutylynn change from moment to moment.  I can't imagine ever not looking at them with this same mix of curiosity and awe.

I wonder how often my mom looked at all of us the same way.  I wonder if we turned out to be who she thought we would be.

Lasts and Firsts

November is hard.  There are so many "lasts" this month.  The last time I saw her, the last time I hugged her, shopped with her, talked to her on the phone, or watched her with the boys. 

My life is so different this November than it was last.  Who knew then, that in a year I would be without my mom... but have a beautiful baby girl.  A baby who is experiencing so many firsts.  First smiles, first smooches, first snuggles.

I can't let my grief overtake me.  If I did that... I would be missing out on all these firsts.  My mom would HATE if I did that.  She hated that she missed out on ANYTHING with us girls or any of the grandkids. 

We were so blind sided with Mom's death last year that we didn't know that we needed to be savoring all those moments.  We took that time with Mom for granted.  I don't want to do that again. 

My house is a mess.  A HUGE mess... I'm barely keeping my head above the water there... but it's not the first time.  And Lord knows it won't be the last time.... 

So as tough as this month is... its still a really good month.  I'm savoring all these moments with Baby Courtlynn and her brothers.  I'll never have this time with them again.  I'll never get to see these firsts again. 

Laundry can wait.  Dishes can wait.  But enjoying this time with my little ones... well that can't wait.