A few nights ago, Suttie and I were laying together watching a few cartoons before bedtime.  "Mommy?  I see Baby Oh Oh?" he said handing me the iPod. 

Keegers and Suttie LOVE "their" Baby Owen.

"Sure you can!" I said as I dialed up the old Facebook.  "Just a minute, I just have to find Aunt Wheezy's pictures!"

We started out with some recent shots, and scrolled our way through all the way back to his earliest days.

The pictures of my mom holding him about did me in.  The first one, a profile shot of he snuggling him... Suttie didn't recongnize at first.  That caused the tears to start.  Then moving to the one where Mom was so proudly holding him at work.  Wow.  Those are always hard to see because I know we won't get any more of those.

I had to put down the ipod though after seeing the one of Keegers and Suttie during our first visit to see Baby Oh Oh.  Not because of the pictures, but of the comments that my mom had made on those pictures. 

She adored our babies... and wasn't afraid to share it!

I miss those little comments.  I love that we still have them, to know what she was thinking in that moment... but I hate knowing that we have every picture of her that we are going to have... and she's made every comment that she is going to make.

I've made a choice.

A choice that will hopefully never have needed to be made.

A choice that many will probably not agree with, but luckily... it's not their choice to make.

I've made a choice, and I've shared it with my husband and he's fine with it too.

My choice is based on too many Lifetime/Hallmark/Chick flicks.

My choice is this.

If something were to happen between now and the time this baby is born, and the doctor says to my poor husband, "We can only save one of them, you have to choose which one."

I want him to save me.

Egads!  The selfishness!  The humanity!  What kind of mother am I?  How could I do that to my child?

I've long ago since conceeded that I'll never be the level of mother my mom was.  I might be the shittiest kind out there, but the fact remains that I'm the only one that Keegers and Suttie have.

And here's the deal. 

I've lost a mom.

I've lost someone who vowed to love me and protect me until her dying breath.

I've lost someone who could heal me with a hug or a smile or a shoulder or a kind word.

I've been devestated beyond repair by that loss, and I can't imagine putting my boys through that same loss.

I know everything there is to know about those boys.  I know their quirks, their smiles, their fears.  I know their smells, I've tasted their tears, and I've felt their hugs.

I vow to love them and protect them until their dying breath.

I LOVE this baby.  I will do everything I can to protect this baby, but I have to protect my other babies too.

As terrible as it sounds, I don't know this baby.  I've never seen this baby's face or heard this baby's cry.  I've never snuggled this baby, or wiped it's tears away.

I don't know this baby in the same way that I know Keegers and Suttie.

My mom would never for a second have made the same choice. 

Maybe God came to her, and told her that he had planned to give me this baby... but that I would lose it.

Maybe my mom made the choice right then.  To have God take her instead of me or this baby.

I wouldn't put it past her.

I know my choice will change.  The instant this baby is born and I see it's sweet little Murphy Ege face... my choice will change.  If in the delivery room they hand me that baby and something starts to happen... I know what the choice will be.  It's not that I believe that this little one's life begins at birth.  Far from that.  It's hard to explain.

A better mom would make the choice the instant she found out she was pregnant.  But unfortunately for all my babies.... I'm the only mom they get.