I'm a Duck. Thank you for being a Fish.

Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago..."You seem to be doing so well with everything."  This was moments after I had had a partial breakdown out of nowhere.

Those happen, and they aren't usually partial, but usually I can hold out on them until I'm alone.

I'm a duck.

Well that seems random, so I should explain.

On the surface... things are calm and serene and I'm floating along in my happy little pond.

Most days, I appear to be just a normal happy little duck, letting the water roll off my back.

My Mom was like that.  She would go shopping, leave on vacation or walk into Thanksgiving or Christmas celebrations, the picture of serenity, happy to see everyone, joking and hugging and smiling.

My mom was a duck too.

We see the duck above the water, but do you know what a duck looks like to a fish?

To a fish, a duck is this violent storm of kicking and splashing around just trying to get where they are going... knowing they won't survive if they don't...all while the rest of the world thinks they have no cares in the world.

The fish know the truth. 

The truth is, my mom secretly (well not so secretly to us...) had major anxiety attacks before all those events.  I learned to just try to take over to get some things done just like Karri always did... Dad and Lindsey learned to stay out of her way.  I don't know how many times she threatened to stay home, or to cancel everything.

My Mom was a duck... kicking and fighting to survive... but on the surface she appeared to be letting the water roll right off her back. 

I'm a duck.

On the surface I'm just taking it all in... letting all the muddy water of the last 6 months roll right off my back...

But the fish in my life know.  They know that I am kicking and fighting just to survive... They recognize this and they know they can do two things for me... they can jump in and take over to get things done... or they can get out of my way! 

Thank God for the fish! 

All those fish who tell me... "Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming"

I'm a Duck...and because of the fish I have the strength to just keep swimming and swimming.

Thank you all for being such understanding fish.

We got to see our little one yesterday.

I've been very cautious this time around, not talking about the pregnancy much except with those closest to me.  It's almost as if... ok it's not almost... it's because I'm scared.  I'm scared of getting my heart broken if something happens to this little one.

Yesterday, as we were getting the boys loaded in the car, James and I were making last minute arrangements to meet later to go to the appointment together.

"I always get so nervous going to these things," I said. 

"Why?" he replied. 

"Because what if we get there and they tell us something is..."

"We'll deal with it," he cut in quickly, instantly calming me.

Have I mentioned how much I adore my husband?

I've said from the start that I knew my mom would send us the child she felt was perfect for us.  So if we got there and they told us that there were going to be some special needs with this child or pregnancy... well that would be because that is the child and situation we were meant to have at this time in our life.

Yes.  We know the gender, and no we still aren't telling... because it isn't the important thing to know right now. 

The important thing to know right now is this. 

Our baby is healthy and its' heart is strong.

Of course I know that things can still go wrong, and I can still have my heart broken.  But today.  I'm a little less scared, a little more excited, and a lot more in love with my family.  I'm trusting in my mom's selection and God grace... and I'm trusting in my amazing support system spearheaded by my husband.

And as for the gender, my mom got it right.  But then again it was a win-win situation for her.

What a strange and wonderful, yet bittersweet week this is for me!

It's been all about the numbers and time this week.

I'm counting down the DAYS until the end of school and to the day that our big boys get here for the summer.

Keegers was counting down the DAYS until he turned 4.  He's four YEARS old!  How in the world is that possible?  He had at least a DOZEN friends come to play and celebrate with him!

On Friday, I will be 20 WEEKS pregnant.  My mom hated that we talked in WEEKS for pregnancy now, so I always translated it for her.... that's 4 1/2 MONTHS.  We are halfway there!  Today in fact, we will have an ultrasound and have the chance to see our little one. And... if we choose, we could even find out if my Mom sent us a little boy or a little girl.

We still haven't decided if we will find out or not.... and even if we do, we won't be sharing.

Days, Weeks, Months, Years.

It just keeps on going, doesn't it?

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of Mom's death.  That's half a year, yet feels like a freaking lifetime.

It's funny to me how we make the transition of time.  When did we stop counting the moments, hours, or days?  When did we stop counting Keegan and Sutton's life in the terms of months... and just move on to years?  Age 2? 

I've already left behind hours, days and weeks for my Mom.  How will I feel when I stop counting the months?

This "thing", this loss has made me question these countdowns a whole lot.  When I was pregnant with either of the boys, when someone would ask how far along I was, I think I could quote the weeks and days almost instantly.  It's not the same this time.  I feel like I'm short changing this little one somehow with not showing that same dedication and excitement. 

It's hard to pass the time of my pregnancy.  Each week means that I'm one week farther removed from my mom, and one week closer to not having her here for this baby.  And each hour that I countdown to the Ultrasound, or to the birth of this little one... gets me one hour closer to the day when someone starts counting down for me.

Bittersweet for sure.

But... as I am for sure my mother's daughter... today I'm choosing to focus on the sweet part of that bittersweet.  I'm focused on the candy coating part of my day.

We get to see our baby... her grandbaby.

That's a "hot fudge sundae with chocolate sprinkles and a Hershey Bar on top" kind of sweet day.