The kids and I made a quick trip this Labor Day weekend to Southern Indiana to celebrate Baby Owen's 5th birthday. The 5th birthday of a boy who was only a few months old when mom died.
This piggy backs onto the preschool open house of a girl who wasn't even a thought when mom passed.
To say Mom has been on my mind a lot lately is an understatement. But to say she's ever very far from my mind would also be an understatement.
Driving to Southern Indiana by way of Illinois always makes me think of her. I heard her talk of all those towns and places so much while she was alive. She loved being from Illinois, and I think it was always "home" to her, but what got me the most on this particular trip was a feeling of empathy for her I had never felt before. It seemed like every time I turned around we were passing some sort of college or university. It hit me that in just a few years, my babies will be packing up and heading off to college. These little people are going to be experiencing all of these amazing (and scary) things, and I won't be there at the end of the day to hear all about it.
My heart is already breaking.
My college years were some of the best of my life.
But at the same time, our college years must have been some of the hardest of hers. To go from being the most important person in your children's life, from knowing what they wear, what they eat, what they do every single day... to not even hearing their voice.... Boom.
I get it now. I get why she always tried to keep me on the phone a little bit longer. Why she held on to the hug for a little bit longer. Why she looked so sad when we packed back up to make the drive. Years later, when I had a family of my own, it must have been even worse for her, having these babies here so far away.
It's 10 years away before Keegers heads off to college, and I'm already dreading the hugs goodbye.
And feeling guilty for not being more patient with Mom and holding on just as tight and as long during those hugs as she did.
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