I love the fall.
We are back to school! Keegers is a 2nd grader and Sutton is a very eager Kindergartner. Both are in soccer (and I'm even coaching! Courty is now the big girl at Mary Lou's and has personality to spare!
I love digging out the sweatshirts and fleece, going through the pants we'd packed away to see how much they've grown over summer, and I love getting back into a routine.
It's cooler and all things pumpkin are perfectly acceptable!
As much as I'm enjoying all those things...
I dread the fall.
Courtlynn and Suttie's birthdays, school pictures, visits to pumpkin patch, Halloween, Thanksgiving... those all mark the passing of time in such a concrete way.
Courty will be 3. An entire year older than Suttie was....
Suttie is in Kindergarten... reading. He was barely beginning to talk.
Keegan is... well Keegan. He's still quick as a whip and going full speed.
I adore them. I am SO thankful that I get to be their mom. I am SO thankful for every single season I get to spend with them.
But I'm still sad.
I'm sad every single time that Keegan tells me it's "unfair that we only got a little time with Grandma Cindy! You had a LONG time!"
I'm sad every single time Suttie says "Please take care of Gwandma"
and I'm sad every time Courty tells me "You don't HAVE a mom" or when she tells me that she's a "pretend grandma"
My anxiety skyrockets this time of year. I get back to doing the morbid math. The "if I die at 63.. they will be..."
But I know that's not how it works. Mom's parents were in their 80s and 90s. Dad's dad died at 53... and he's turning 68.
I'm still sad. And it's ok.
