Candy Memories

"Mom?  Do you remember when we would go see Grandma Cindy at work?  She always had candy on her desk," Keegan told me recently.

"Yes Keegan.  I remember," I said.  "and when she didn't have M & Ms, she would have suckers for you"

"Yup, she did!"



I have no idea where that memory came from for him.  The last time we went to see her at work would have to have been during Summer 2010, when he was barely 3 years old.

It caught me off guard.

We had watched her "movie" a week or two before that, and the only thing that I could think of was maybe he saw the photo of her holding Baby Owen at her desk.  That was the only thing that I could think of that would have rattled it.

We talk about Grandma Cindy all the time, but it's usually me trying to put my own memories back into their heads. I had never mentioned that one. 

It was one of his own. 

Hidden in his little brain somewhere, waiting to come out.

I can't help but wonder what else he has locked in there.

Unreachable

Dad is on a cruise with my sister and two of his grandkids.  I'm SO happy that he decided to go, even if he felt a little guilty about going without Mom.  Mom wouldn't have missed out on a chance like that... to spend that quality time with some of her favorite people?  No Way!

But since he's gone into parts unknown... with cell reception unknown... I won't be able to talk to him until he gets back.

That is strange.  And not at all enjoyable.

I tend to call people when I'm in the car.  Though it's not always the best, and I managed to yell "I'm ON THE PHONE" at least 30 times per call... at least they are belted in and can't get too close to me....

So when I was on my way to the store the other night to pick up some birthday party supplies it hit me.  I couldn't call Dad.  On October 1st, 22 months from the day we lost Mom... I couldn't call Mom OR Dad.  They were both unreachable by phone...

I don't know how people do it.

For those people who have lost both of their parents, how do they live the rest of their lives knowing they can't ever call one of them again?

I do not like it.

It has me dreading the 2+ week trip he's taking this winter.

He's going to have to look into an international calling plan. 

A letter left unwritten

It was suggested to me that I write a letter to my Mom to help me deal with my grief.  But what would I say in a letter like that? 

Would I ask her if she loved us?  Would I ask her if she was proud of us?  Would I ask her if she missed us?

No. 

That would be a waste of ink.  Because I know the answers to those questions.  She adored us.  But more than that, she liked us.  She was proud of us as mothers and sisters and friends.  She missed us when we left the room... left the house... or the state.  So being away from us like this... without a doubt she misses us.
 
So what would I say in a letter like that?

Maybe I would say that the thought of Courtlynn turning one next week... the thought that my baby has lived her entire life in a world without my mom... that my mom hasn't been here for one single breath that she's taken... that she will only know Grandma Cindy through pictures and stories...is nothing less than tragic.

The thought that when Suttie Joe turns 4 in November.. that he will have lived more of his life without her than he did with her... that he forgets her voice and smell....horrific

That Keegan started Kindergarten and will learn to read and write and never be able to read a birthday card that she picked out for him....unjust.

So how would a letter like that help me with my grief?  The thought of even sitting down to write a letter like that makes me sob.  Not for myself... but for them.

If grief the same thing as overwhelming sadness?  Because my grief is just that.  Overwhelming sadness for all of our babies...and all of their babies.... because the world they live in isn't as good as it should be.

I haven't written.

This is true.

But what is also true is that I haven't forgotten, healed, or stopped grieving.

I'm working.

I'm working on being a better wife, mother, and friend.

I'm working on making sure I stay as healthy as I can so that I'm around for as long as possible.

I'm working on asking for help when I need it.

I'm working on patience.

I'm working on acceptance.

I haven't written because sometimes it's just too hard to think about it and her.  I'm working on being able to think about it... and her... without it being so hard.

If she weren't already there..

The first picture of all ten of her doll babies

being here, with all of them, would have been her Heaven. 

The story of my birth...

Keegan turning 5 has been SO emotional for me.  I know with 5 comes a whole new chapter in his life, and as much as I want to let him storm ahead into those new experiences... part of me just wants to hold him a little longer.

Just as I'm sure my Mom always wanted to do with me.

I can look back now and see those moments that she was trying to hold on... that I was trying to get her to let go...

Part (most) of me just wants to let her hold me a little longer....

But what is done... or not done... is done.. or NOT done.

Now about this birth of mine...

I've given birth to three adorable babies... I can rattle off their time of birth... birth weight... length... what the labor was like... who was there... what I was thinking... which way the room was facing...

all.of.it.

Every year on their birthday, I write the kids a letter for their baby books, and I can sit there and think of the day like it was yesterday.

I'm sure Mom could too.  But she never wrote me a letter.

What do I know?

I know that when Mom had Karri, her water broke (while she was sitting crossed legged on the floor) 10 days before she was born, 3 months before she was due... they sent her home and put 2 x 4s under her bed.  I know that after Karri was born, Mom didn't get to hold her until she was 3 months old, could only pass a finger through the hole to touch her.

I know that Lindsey was born in a blizzard.  Had the hospital been much further away, she would have been born IN the car.  When they got to the hospital, they didn't want to let Dad into the delivery room, and when he finally "convinced" them to let him in... they put him in a room with a woman whose feet he didn't recognize.

But what about me? 

What I knew about my own "blessed event" was pretty scarce.  I knew that when she found out she was pregnant, my mother (the wife of a cattle farmer) had her due date predicted by my father, by pulling out his chart for cattle breeding. April 8th.  I knew that she never weighed more than 135 pounds the entire time she was pregnant with any of us... but that was about it.

So last night, on the eve of Keegan's 5th birthday, I called my Dad to find out what he knew.

He can tell me how much he paid for lunch at a hotel in 1978, so I had a little hope, and he was able to give me a least a little of the story.

I wonder if he knew that I was crying when he was telling me.

They went to the hospital about 8 pm on the 7th.  Dad claims that I was the first baby born at Dukes to let the dad be in there.  When midnight came around and I hadn't been born yet... Mom was pissed.... though I think that might have more to do with knowing that Dad and his cow chart were going to be right...I was born just after midnight.  On the birth certificate they had started to write Wednesday and just crossed it out and wrote Thursday.  She got the chills really bad and chilled all night... I bet it was because I wasn't snuggling with her any more.

They named me Sara because (according to mom) it was on a western on tv and was easy to spell, not because it was on the bathroom wall (according to dad).

Is it everything?  No.  I'm sure she could have told me much more.

I wish she could still write me that letter.

Missed Milestones

Keegers is turning 5 in just ten days.

FIVE!

This week, he is finishing up pre-school and will have a picnic to close that chapter of his little life.  We had his Kindergarten registration last month (of which he scored verrrrrrry well)  and will be ready for school in the fall. 

Did I mention he is turning FIVE?

He is an AMAZING little boy.  He's (way too) smart, and funny, and sneaky, and sweet, and so many other things...

And Grandma would adore him even more today than she did before.

Sutton is coming into his own SO much!  He was able to play soccer this spring and he did so great having something that was his, not Keegan's.  He's going to preschool in the fall, and I can't wait to see him really blossom at Mary Lou's now that Keegan won't be there to boss him around.

Little Courty Foo Foo is happy, and healthy, and so good natured.  She's trying to crawl, and this weekend sat up on her own!  I just love seeing her little toothless grin... and know that it won't be long before a tooth is popping in there!

Every time they hit one of these mile stones, my heart breaks.

My mom is missing them all... and they are missing having her here to get ridiculously excited over them.

Yes.  I know.  She sees it.  Heaven... all that..... I get it. 

But it is NOT the same.

And it is NOT fair.



 

The Caregiver

I wrote this post awhile ago when sickness was running rampant at our house, and just never published it.  It was whiney(er) and (more) self absorbed than usual...but I suppose the purpose of this whole "project" is for me to document that, so here it is.  (luckily, everyone is now healthy and back to "normal")

Our pretty little happy girl has been sick.  She has not been her self by any stretch of the imagination.  Last night... she cried for a solid 5 hours.

a SOLID 5 hours.

It was a very long day... that followed some very long nights.
Last night... I sat there holding her and just cried along with her.  I was SO frustrated because I couldn't seem to do anything to make things better.

I hate that feeling.

 Sick babies make me miss my mom.

 I know that at any point over the last 5 days I could have called her to whine and she would have listened to every single word of it.  I wanted to be able to do that.

 In the 5 1/2 years I've worked here... I've taken 3 maternity leaves.  That pretty much zapped my sick bank. 

sigh.

 I miss my Mom.

Her Birthday... and other ramblings from my mind

Mom's birthday rolled around again. 

It should have been her 65th. 

On that day, most of you saw my Facebook status where I said something along the lines of

"I don't miss my Mom any more today just because it's her birthday.  I won't miss her any less tomorrow because it is not.  I miss her EVERY day because she was amazing."

I don't foresee there ever being a time that that statement ISN'T true.

There are definitely days when her presence... or lack there of... is noticed more.

Lately, it's been a lot.

James was needing to do some property tax things because of his veteran status.  Even though we are in another city, county, state... I knew I could call her and ask her what he needed to do.

I was driving to see Lindsey and it hit me in the car.

"I'll call Mom!  She will know!"

Oh.  I can't.

But I WANT to call Mom... because she would know.

but.I.can't.

but.I.WANT.to.....

Potty training...swim lessons... babies thriving... rolling over... ALL reasons why I wish I could call her and talk...

If wishes were horses....

Dad got her headstone set in place.  He has been a bit obsessed with it. He wanted to talk about it... he wanted to show it to me...

I.don't.care.

I don't need physical reminders that she is gone.  I can't foresee EVER needing physical reminders that she is gone. 

I'll see the headstone eventually.  One time.  Because Dad can't live forever.

Please Hold Baby B a little longer

I know that she held Courtlynn before she sent her to us.

And I know that she held Baby DMB when he was first born in those days after she died.

Now, I'm praying that God allows Grandma Cindy to hold little Baby B just a little longer... so that he or she can get just as strong as possible... before coming to join the family.

This baby is grandbaby number #10...

And we all know that on a scale of 1-10... 10 is perfect!  So hoping that God allows this baby all the time he or she needs to be as perfect as he has planned!

Mom Approved

I've talked before about my discouragement with the lack of "Go Red" support.  It's normal to see NFL or MLB players wearing pink for support of Breast Cancer Awareness... but do they ever wear Red for Heart Disease Awareness?

But I'm beating a dead horse here (and for the record... HE probably died of a heart attack too)

So when the latest "Shoot for the Cure" pink t shirts came out, I bought one.... but I got mad at the same time.

But instead of just staying mad... I decided to do a little something about it.

I decided to design and sell my own shirt.  And I did.

Even though our school colors are orange and black... SEVERAL fellow teachers supported the American Heart Association by buying a shirt that on the front said "Panthers have Heart" and on the back gave some statistics about how often heart attacks occur.

Success!

Along with those that were ordered by my awesome co-workers, were the ones that I ordered for my sisters and a few friends.  When they found out about the shirts... even though they aren't "panthers" they wanted to support and ordered a shirt (or two) too!

Last night, I printed off labels and was in the process of packaging those shirts up.  As I was standing there working on them, I was hit by the OVERWHELMING scent of my mom's perfume.

It hit me (appropriately) like an arrow in my heart.

I frantically searched in my bag to find out what it was that smelled like her.

Nothing.

I tried to get James to smell stuff.... but he didn't know what he was trying to smell.

And then it hit me. Again.  Like an arrow to my heart.

It wasn't something I was smelling.... but someONE.

So I stood there and cried because I knew what it was.

My mom was there.... watching what I was doing, knowing what I was doing it for, WHO I was doing it for....

And she approved.  And she wanted us to know that.

So for those of you who get the shirts.  Take a little whiff.... because if you are lucky, you might be able to smell her... and know that she thanks you for thinking of her when you wear it.

5 Words

I had to call my mom's cell phone last night.  It's been an emotional week and it had been too long since I had heard her silly outgoing message.

We were never the video taping kind of family, so my options are very limited.  I can't just pull out a video to hear her "silent laugh." I will never have a video of her goofy smile when she tried to pull one over on us....

I don't have any voicemails saved.  I didn't think I would need to. 

I have five words.

No "talk to you later Babe." 
No "I love you so muchy"
No "Oh Hell's Bells Sara Bellum"
No "Can't wait to see you!"
No "Give those babies my love"

I have five words.

"Hi. This is Cindy Murphy"

It will have to do.