Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2010 was normal.  We were together with most of Mom's family.  She took her Toll House pies and tea and frozen fruit salad.

Black Friday was great.  James stayed with the boys while Mom and I hit up Kohl's and Glenbrook and had a yummy lunch for just the two of us at Red Robin.  Mom wore a silly Christmas sweater, and I didn't even tease her.

Saturday after Thanksgiving was low key.  Mom spent most of the day on the love seat with a headache while the boys played on the floor around her.

Sunday after Thanksgiving she hugged us all goodbye and waved until we drove over the hill.

Sunday after Thanksgiving was the last time I saw my mom.  It's been over a year now since my mom hugged me.

The last time I talked to her was on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.

It's been over a year now since I've talked to my mom. 

I've heard her voice... thank God that Dad has kept her cell phone active. 

The Wednesday after Thanksgiving 2010, I woke up and went about my day.  Before I went to bed that night my Mom was gone.

All I can do this week is survive.  I feel like I'm barely doing that.  I'm crying all the time... I'm short tempered, and have not been a very good mom or wife or friend.

I hate this week of anniversaries. 

I hate that it takes my joy. 

I hate my "poor me" attitude right now. 

I hate that this sadness is making me miss out on this last week of maternity leave with Baby Courtlynn. 

I hate that I'm obsessed with how old my children will be when I'm 63....and how many years there are until then.

I hate that I want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. 

For years. 

I'm drowning in this sadness and I hate it. 

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what I need. 

Well I do... but the one thing I want and need is the one thing that isn't possible.

I'll be better in a few days. 

I can't keep crying forever. 

I hope not anyway.