Something else she'll miss

I just signed Keegers up for T-Ball and Soccer for this spring.

He is going to LOVE it, which means that now I'm sobbing.

When we moved here, and had the boys, I hated that Mom and Dad missed out on so much of their day to day lives, but I knew that it would be ok once they were in school.  I knew that because mom ALWAYS said she wasn't going to work until she was 80 like Thelma did....

Moving away and having kids was going to be ok.

I knew that she was going to be retiring soon... as soon as she had worked long enough to pay off her life insurance... but then she would be free.

In my head, I knew that she was going to be able to come and stay for a week or a two at at time... and attend all of the boys' school programs... see them pick dandelions on the T-ball field... be there for Grandparents' Day... and all those silly things.  She had loved going to Tumble Tots with Keegers, and I knew she was going to want to come and watch Suttie do it too.

To quote my very eloquent Dad... "God this sucks!"

I'm constantly reminded that she's not here... and that she's never going to be here again.

Everytime I start to pull myself together... I do something like this normal thing, realize that she's gone, and it makes me feel like I'm starting the grief process all over again. 

Someone said one time, "I can't imagine what losing your Mom feels like"

Want to know?

It feels like shit.

Not clear enough?

It feels like an elephant is jumping up and down on my chest, while the Hulk punches me in the face.

Clear enough?

I feel cheated.  I feel pissed.

And any parent knows that when your children are hurting, you hurt for them.  So I'm not only pissed for myself.  I'm supremely pissed for my boys.  I'm pissed for Dalton and Dylan and Ky.  I'm pissed for baby Owen... and I'm pissed for any any more babies Lindsey wants to have.

And I'm pissed for my Mom.  I know that she loved all those things.... she LOVED wearing her shirts to baseball games that said, "______'s Grandma"

And I'm pissed that I'll never get to buy her one.