I feel so many things about losing my mom.  Each day, each moment can bring a different feeling. 

Sadness
Anger
Peace
Confusion
Terror
Hurt
Shock

Guilt

Guilt.  I shouldn't feel it.  I know that there was nothing that we could do to save Mom, but I still feel so much guilt that we didn't know to try.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving Mom was sick on the couch all day.  She couldn't talk, she had a terrible headache, but worse... the boys were there... and she didn't play with them.

I should have known that she was really sick.

I should have taken her directly to the hospital.

Mom loved playing with her grandkids more than just about anything.  How did we not realize how serious the situation was?

I need to stop feeling that.  We told her to go to the doctor.  Karri and Lindsey both offered to drive her if she needed it.  But like Lindsey said, Mom suffered from low blood pressure.  Had she gone, even if it was elevated, it would have probably been in the "normal" range, so they would have sent her home.

We were told... and maybe they just tell people this, but we were told that even if she had been in a hospital, she "went so fast" that even a doctor wouldn't have been able to do anything to save her.

But they would have tried. 

We should have tried.

But how could we have known it would end up like this?

I've looked at the Mayo Clinic Website, the American Heart Association Website, and Googled the warning signs.

They weren't there.

So how do you stop what isn't there?

And if you can't stop it, why feel guilt?

I've talked myself down for a minute and that moment of guilt is over, which is good.  But now I'm just back to being really, really sad.