Signs, signs, Everywhere Signs...

Since it happened... Dad has maintained that "this" was in the works a long time ago... maybe even 63 years ago.

Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I'm reading trying to read a book that my very good friend Tami sent me, called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion about the sudden loss of her husband.  Early on, there is a passage from Philippe Aries from The Hour of Our Death... "death, even if sudden or accidental, 'gives advance warning of its arrival... "only the dying man can tell how much time he has left."

Did my mom know her time here was coming to an end?

On some level did WE know her time was coming to an end?

Their trip to the Dominican Republic had been put off for months... and even though she wasn't sure her bosses would be happy with the timing... Mom took the her vacation time... and they had a great time.

When she got home... she took a trip with her sister to see my Grandpa Walter.  When she got home, I asked how Grandpa was.  "Oh Sara, we had THE BEST time!"  And then she said... "and if something happened tomorrow... I would be fine with it."

At the time... I'm sure she meant if something happened to Grandpa.... but what if she didn't?  What if the forces were already in the works?

When I had gotten my hair cut and colored right before the holidays... it was blonder than I expected... and blonder than it had been in awhile.  But my mom always loved my hair blond... as silly as it sounds... did that happen for a reason?

The morning of Black Friday... Mom and I both commented to James that we "didn't care about the shopping, it was just about hanging out."  I am so glad we able to have that day.

But how far back do we go?  Days, weeks, years?

Suttie was born early... was that to give him more time with her?  Karri was born early too.... were the forces there back then?

We could get lost in looking for the signs.  And they would be different for all of us... 

But now, I know why the Friday before Thanksgiving, I drove into school, and sat in my car and cried.  I had this overwhelming NEED to be home.  I was homesick like I hadn't been since I was in Europe at age 18.  I sat there, and cried because we were here... so far from the ones who love us most.

Some unseen force made sure that even though Suttie had a fever when we loaded him in the car... we went.

After this crash course, will we recognize the signs the next time?  When it's Dad's time... or James'... or someone else I love so much...Will everything fall into place again so that no one is mad, or fighting... everyone is just happy to have that time together?

One time, some friends of ours went with us down south to see my grandparents.  Mom and Dad explained that when we got to a certain "mile marker" we would be there... so one of the girls kept watch... Years later, Mom and Dad would still laugh about when Haley said, "Wow... down here the miles go really fast!"

We can see the signs leading up to losing Mom so clearly now in the rearview mirror.  But maybe we aren't supposed to see the signs until after they are past.  Maybe they aren't really meant to be caution or warning signs as much as just mile markers.  And there at the end... they start to go really fast.