Her Birthday... and other ramblings from my mind

Mom's birthday rolled around again. 

It should have been her 65th. 

On that day, most of you saw my Facebook status where I said something along the lines of

"I don't miss my Mom any more today just because it's her birthday.  I won't miss her any less tomorrow because it is not.  I miss her EVERY day because she was amazing."

I don't foresee there ever being a time that that statement ISN'T true.

There are definitely days when her presence... or lack there of... is noticed more.

Lately, it's been a lot.

James was needing to do some property tax things because of his veteran status.  Even though we are in another city, county, state... I knew I could call her and ask her what he needed to do.

I was driving to see Lindsey and it hit me in the car.

"I'll call Mom!  She will know!"

Oh.  I can't.

But I WANT to call Mom... because she would know.

but.I.can't.

but.I.WANT.to.....

Potty training...swim lessons... babies thriving... rolling over... ALL reasons why I wish I could call her and talk...

If wishes were horses....

Dad got her headstone set in place.  He has been a bit obsessed with it. He wanted to talk about it... he wanted to show it to me...

I.don't.care.

I don't need physical reminders that she is gone.  I can't foresee EVER needing physical reminders that she is gone. 

I'll see the headstone eventually.  One time.  Because Dad can't live forever.

Please Hold Baby B a little longer

I know that she held Courtlynn before she sent her to us.

And I know that she held Baby DMB when he was first born in those days after she died.

Now, I'm praying that God allows Grandma Cindy to hold little Baby B just a little longer... so that he or she can get just as strong as possible... before coming to join the family.

This baby is grandbaby number #10...

And we all know that on a scale of 1-10... 10 is perfect!  So hoping that God allows this baby all the time he or she needs to be as perfect as he has planned!

Mom Approved

I've talked before about my discouragement with the lack of "Go Red" support.  It's normal to see NFL or MLB players wearing pink for support of Breast Cancer Awareness... but do they ever wear Red for Heart Disease Awareness?

But I'm beating a dead horse here (and for the record... HE probably died of a heart attack too)

So when the latest "Shoot for the Cure" pink t shirts came out, I bought one.... but I got mad at the same time.

But instead of just staying mad... I decided to do a little something about it.

I decided to design and sell my own shirt.  And I did.

Even though our school colors are orange and black... SEVERAL fellow teachers supported the American Heart Association by buying a shirt that on the front said "Panthers have Heart" and on the back gave some statistics about how often heart attacks occur.

Success!

Along with those that were ordered by my awesome co-workers, were the ones that I ordered for my sisters and a few friends.  When they found out about the shirts... even though they aren't "panthers" they wanted to support and ordered a shirt (or two) too!

Last night, I printed off labels and was in the process of packaging those shirts up.  As I was standing there working on them, I was hit by the OVERWHELMING scent of my mom's perfume.

It hit me (appropriately) like an arrow in my heart.

I frantically searched in my bag to find out what it was that smelled like her.

Nothing.

I tried to get James to smell stuff.... but he didn't know what he was trying to smell.

And then it hit me. Again.  Like an arrow to my heart.

It wasn't something I was smelling.... but someONE.

So I stood there and cried because I knew what it was.

My mom was there.... watching what I was doing, knowing what I was doing it for, WHO I was doing it for....

And she approved.  And she wanted us to know that.

So for those of you who get the shirts.  Take a little whiff.... because if you are lucky, you might be able to smell her... and know that she thanks you for thinking of her when you wear it.

5 Words

I had to call my mom's cell phone last night.  It's been an emotional week and it had been too long since I had heard her silly outgoing message.

We were never the video taping kind of family, so my options are very limited.  I can't just pull out a video to hear her "silent laugh." I will never have a video of her goofy smile when she tried to pull one over on us....

I don't have any voicemails saved.  I didn't think I would need to. 

I have five words.

No "talk to you later Babe." 
No "I love you so muchy"
No "Oh Hell's Bells Sara Bellum"
No "Can't wait to see you!"
No "Give those babies my love"

I have five words.

"Hi. This is Cindy Murphy"

It will have to do.

The last last year

I started this blogging journey a year ago today. 
On that date, I realized that it was the very last day that I could say, "My Mom died this month," or "My Mom died this year."  I knew that when I woke up the next morning, I would have to start saying, "She died last month." or worse "She died last year."


Today it's much the same.


December 31, 2011 is the last day that I can say, "My Mom died last year."


So now I have to figure out what to say.  I've been testing out a few choices

• My Mom died when I was 34.--So far this is the frontrunner for me.  Since I'm still 35, it makes if feel more recent.  Like I haven't been without her for as long.

• My Mom died in 2010--This one might work for me, since I have to pause while writing a check half the time to know what year it is.

• My Mom died X months ago--I think since the numbers would get so big so fast... it's got to be excluded.  It still feels like I should be counting the days.

• My Mom died a (couple, few, several) years ago

A couple of years?  Has it already been a "couple?"  The fact that I have to make the word year plural is bad enough.  I can't imagine when I have to say "She died 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5 or 10 or 20) years ago.


Today also marks another date in my family history.  Fifty years ago today, when my dad was 15... my Grandfather died.   My grandfather died in 1961.  Granddad (though I never met him, I think I would have called him Granddad) has been gone almost as long as he was here. 


I can't imagine living for all those years without my parent like he has.  He's told me that losing a spouse is much worse than losing a parent.  But he's grieved for his Dad for 50 years...  What will he say tomorrow?  "My father died over half a century ago?"

So regardless of which one I to choose... because maybe noone will really ask anymore...  the only one that seems to feel right is

• My Mom died too soon

Home

As hard as it is to "be" home.... To be in "her" home and not have her there. As hard as that is....It is ten times harder to leave it.

Because of the baby, I hadn't been there since the summer. Being there again was like pulling a bandaid off my heart...

But driving away... Not knowing when I'd be there again... Knowing that as much as I would like it to be... It will probably never be my home again....

That.was.brutal.

I wish I could pick up my new home... And all the important people in it... And move it 200 miles east.

Our second Christmas without her, and I still can't believe she's not here.

I can't help but try to hear her, so I am still just pretending she's in the kitchen doing dishes.

As merry as it was, it still didn't quite feel like Christmas.