I laid in bed last night looking at Baby Courtlynn, partially still in awe that she is here.  The other part though was just trying to imagine what she was going to look like when she got older, and wonder what her personality would be like.  Will she be blond like Keegers?  Will she have Daddy's blue eyes... or will she be my Brown Eyed Girl?  Will her coloring be like Suttie Joe's?  Will she be as sneaky and stuborn as her brothers?

I wonder what she will be like as a toddler, a little girl, a teen.  I wonder what her interests will be, what will she be good at, what will she love?  What will she be?  Who will she love?

It's not just Courtlynn... I wonder this about all my babies. 

Keegan looks exactly the same today at age 4 as he did at 4 weeks.  Suttie and Baby Coutylynn change from moment to moment.  I can't imagine ever not looking at them with this same mix of curiosity and awe.

I wonder how often my mom looked at all of us the same way.  I wonder if we turned out to be who she thought we would be.

Lasts and Firsts

November is hard.  There are so many "lasts" this month.  The last time I saw her, the last time I hugged her, shopped with her, talked to her on the phone, or watched her with the boys. 

My life is so different this November than it was last.  Who knew then, that in a year I would be without my mom... but have a beautiful baby girl.  A baby who is experiencing so many firsts.  First smiles, first smooches, first snuggles.

I can't let my grief overtake me.  If I did that... I would be missing out on all these firsts.  My mom would HATE if I did that.  She hated that she missed out on ANYTHING with us girls or any of the grandkids. 

We were so blind sided with Mom's death last year that we didn't know that we needed to be savoring all those moments.  We took that time with Mom for granted.  I don't want to do that again. 

My house is a mess.  A HUGE mess... I'm barely keeping my head above the water there... but it's not the first time.  And Lord knows it won't be the last time.... 

So as tough as this month is... its still a really good month.  I'm savoring all these moments with Baby Courtlynn and her brothers.  I'll never have this time with them again.  I'll never get to see these firsts again. 

Laundry can wait.  Dishes can wait.  But enjoying this time with my little ones... well that can't wait.

Thankful

I have a lot of things I want to write about... namely our gorgeous little girl Courtlynn Cynthia Rose... 

but to think about writing about my thoughts and feelings about Mom... leaves me thinking about Mom... which of course makes me overwhelmingly sad.

I'm sad that she's missing out on this new little one... and that the new little one is missing out on her.

But I'm trying VERY hard to just sit back and enjoy this incredible gift... and to focus on how blessed we really are.

What a bittersweet year it's been.

I lost my amazing mom... but without that loss... we wouldn't have this gorgeous little addition to our family.

So I'm taking the time to enjoy.

I'm taking the time to be thankful.

Because I have a whole lot right now to be thankful for!

My selfish grief.

This weekend marked the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks. 

I did my best to stay away from the television, the newspaper, etc.

Of course I remember where I was that day.  Much the same as I remember where I was when the Challenger exploded, or people remember where they were when Kennedy was assassinated. 

I don't need to go over any of those details.  If you were alive at that time, you know them well enough.

My grief over Mom is still too raw for me to join in others grieving.  While I by no means know the horror those people have faced the last 10 years with those horrible events on that September morning... I know my own horror.

Like them, I know what it is like to wake up feeling normal one day, to have that all suddenly riped from you in an instant.  I know what it's like to miss that person taken from me under terrible circumstances, and I know what it's like to wonder if that person would be proud of the person I am becoming.  I know what it's like to miss the sound of their voice, or the touch of their skin. 

I know.  I remember.  I can never forget.

I should not compare my one single loss to that of an entire nation.  My loss has been private, not put out there for everyone to see over and over.

But what I should or shouldn't do isn't always up to me. 

In a way... I know what those people have gone through.

And in a way... maybe this grieving nation of ours knows a little more what I've been through too.

Socks

I'm nesting... i.e. driving my poor husband James insane...He's taken to calling me things like "Mother Hen" and Woody Woodpecker"... (He has wisely stayed away from calling me BIG bird... and I've wisely chosen not to wear yellow to tempt him)

I think that finding out that our little one will be here a couple of weeks earlier than originally planned might have something to do with my current state of panic.

This weekend I started packing my bag for the hospital.

I think that was the give away that I was nesting.. since I never pack until about 10 mintues to departure.

I opened up my drawer of socks, and had to pause to collect myself.

I love socks.  I love just plain cotton socks.  My favorite are fresh out of the package socks. 

I've said many times, that when I'm famous and I make appearances, the venue will have to supply me with a new pair of socks for every event. 

So when I opened the drawer of my collected socks, looking for a pair to take to the hospital, I flashed to a memory of my loony Mother.

When I was induced with Suttie, the doctor decided to try to hurry things along by breaking my water.  Not long after this, I was waddling my way to the bathroom, and well... let's just say my water finally gushed... all over my socks.

I have plenty of socks.  And I know they say "water" but come on... it's not really water now is it?

But my Mother, dear sweet Mother, was just SURE that we should save those socks and "just throw them in the washer!"

I took a stand.  I put my soggy foot down and told her that by NO MEANS were we going to keep those socks.

I assume she did as I asked...and threw them away

But knowing her... maybe she didn't.

I wonder if somewhere there in my sock drawer... are those socks. 

I wonder if she's smiling her little "shit eatin grin" at me right now while I try to figure it out.

Grandma's Hands.

This is one of my favorite pictures.  Not just because today is Baby Owen's first birthday... and it's fun to see how big he's gotten and how much he's changed... but because of what else is going on in this picture.

A year ago today, Grandma Cindy was there to welcome and huggle her newest grandbaby.  I love this picture for that reason.  I love that we see my Mom's hands holding little Oh Oh's hand in his first few hours.

I love it because I know that it's what she's still doing.  I know that with whatever issues/concerns/complications we have going on with this pregnancy, it doesn't matter.  We aren't alone.  She's still right there with us, holding our hands. 

And I know she will keep holding this little one's hands... long after he or she arrives here safely.

Conversations in my Head

I still have conversations with my Mom.


Not in the weird "I think she's in the room with me" kind of way... but in the "I am not so far removed from actually HAVING conversations with her that I still know what she would say" kind of way.


Yesterday's "conversation" took place over the phone... like so many others that we've had in the last few years have been.


It went a little something like this.

Me:  Hey.  What's going on?


Mom:  I JUST got in the door.  Hold on while I put the milk in the fridge.  (pause...sounds of 30 pound purse being dropped into closet...)  I stopped at Hallmark on my way home from work to get a card for Owen's birthday and for (insert random person and random "occasion") then stopped at Hagan's.  Your Dad is heading to (insert random place said in a way that meant I should know exactly where that place was) tonight and I had to get stuff for his cooler.  (Insert random name) was in there and said (insert random bit of gossip that I'm so far removed from that it doesn't matter...) Your Dad's in there in his chair taking a nap right now.  I swear, he can sleep on command.  I've got to figure out something to feed him before he goes. 


Me:  You know he's a big boy right... he can take care of himself.


Mom:  Maybe YOU should tell HIM that.  So did you have your doctor's appointment today?


Me: Yeah, I'm heading home now. 


Mom:  How did it go?  What was your blood pressure?


Me:  120/64.


Mom:  Hmmmm... that's high for you.  Better than 2 weeks ago, but what did she say?


Me:  She wants to keep an eye on it.  Said that it's still in the normal range, but high for me.


Mom:  What else? 


Me:   Um, well I had some protein in my urine again and little swelling in my feet, so she wants to run some baseline tests to know where things are at.  Testing my liver enzymes to make sure it's not the same thing I had with Suttie.

Mom: And then what? 

Me:  Um, well if things don't come back like she wants, possible bedrest.  I asked about getting induced at 39 weeks like she mentioned before and she started talking about what would happen if I was induced at 38 weeks...I'm kinda freaking out a little.

Mom:  Are you drinking enough water?  You need to get your feet up.  I had to do that for 10 days with your sister after my water broke.  That will help with the swelling.  Make sure you aren't sitting on your legs.  That's how I was sitting when my water broke.  I'm going to get my bag packed just in case and I'll let them know at the Courthouse what's going on so incase I have to take off, but you are going to be fine.  That baby will come when he or she is good and ready.

Me: I know.  I'm just having a little panic attack. 

Mom: Well of course you are, you're my daughter.  I'm going to have my phone right here with me.  You call me any time.  I have the phone right by my bed and I won't be able to sleep if I know you aren't able to sleep.

Me:  I know.  I'll be fine.  I need to get going anyway.  The boys are (insert some random form of oneryness).  I just wanted to let you know what was going on.  I should know more about the tests in a few days.

Mom:  Ok Hunny.  Let me know what they say.  Give those Doll Babies a big squeeze for me.  I'll talk to you soon, and call if you need me.  Love you!

Me:  Love you too.  I'll talk to you soon.

I'm calling her, but if I thought her cell reception in Denver was bad.... well it REALLY sucks where she's at now!  Thank goodness I have a Hubby who says, "It is what it is, and we'll be fine!" and some wonderful friends and family who are also sitting by their phones.